


A desperate action to remove the pain

by womanroaring



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: F/M, Magic, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2018-03-17 09:22:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3524030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/womanroaring/pseuds/womanroaring
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Smut fluff because my feels were aching.</p><p>Blue blurts out a truth to Gansey, at some point shortly after Blue Lily Lily Blue and it leads to nudity. Written before the release of The Raven King.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A desperate action to remove the pain

“I don’t want to imagine any more. I don’t want to pretend.”

It was late. Blue had called Gansey and Gansey had picked her up in his too-loud, too-conspicuous car, his glasses on, his t-shirt tight, his hair tousled. Her favourite version of him. She had been desperate to see him and now they were here, looking down at the town and up at the stars on the top of the mountain and he had taken her hand.

But it was suddenly like sand in her mouth.

“Even if my kiss wouldn’t kill you. Even if we weren’t afraid of hurting Adam. This could never be anything real. You’re going to leave after you finish your damned quest, off to some Ivy League frat house and whatever next thing you decide to obsess about and I’ll still be here, listening to Orla running a psychic sex hotline and watching my future go nowhere. I’m done. I am going to help you find Glendower and then I’m done.”

She had been fiercely not crying.

“Jane.” Gansey had said, his eyes closed. “I don’t know where this is coming from. I -- ”

 _Love_ , he thought. _Need, want, feel sick with it_ -

She reached a hand out to wipe a tear from his cheek that he hadn’t even realised was there and he leaned into her, making to hold her, and she let him.

Her tininess always surprised him. How she could be so big in his head and so small in his arms. It always made him feel protective and proprietary and like he needed to take a cold shower.

“You know that I’m right,” she said, pulling back.

“I love it here. I want to stay here.”

_You’re going to die_

“I don’t think so. Weren’t you the one that said that you felt like it was your responsibility to achieve great things, given all the benefits you were handed on a platter? You won’t be able to do that here.” 

“Then we both go. We find Glendower and then we get on a plane and we go. We go to Poland just like we talked about. And Peru -- you can study your pygmy tyrants and I’ll obsess over nazca lines and then we’ll move on to anywhere else you want to go starting with P. Then we can move on to Q. Surely there’s a country that starts with Q we can visit.”

“Only Qatar. I don’t want to go to Qatar. Women are second-class citizens there. And they have hardly any of them.”

“R then. Please, Jane -” 

_You’re going to die, you’re going to leave me no matter what, you’re going to die_

“You’re going to die.”

She had blurted the words out before she could stop herself. And she just kept on talking while her brain screamed at her to stop.

“You’re on the death list, you _idiot_ , why did you _think_ you could hear me asking you your name on St Mark’s Eve? You are going to die this year, and I can’t take this any more, I cannot keep pretending like this can be anything other than me ripping my own heart out for the universe to stomp on!”

She was yelling and crying and gripping her seat by this point. Gansey just looked at her. His face was a picture -- recognition, then denial.

“I don’t accept it,” he said. “You said that the death list wasn’t a guarantee, it was just a promise. Promises can be broken.”

“I could see you on the corpse road on St Marks Eve. Which means either I kill you or you’re my true love. Given that my kiss will kill the one I love -- and that one _is_ a guarantee -- this all has to be too much of a coincidence for someone so famous for refusing to believe in coincidences, Gansey.”

She swiped at her eyes with her hand. “I wondered if I should never see you again. But then _that_ could be what starts the events in motion for you to die, and this is not normal, none of this is normal, normal people don’t have to try and work out how to avoid killing boys they’ve just met, normal people don’t have to never kiss anyone, and --”

“Then just never kiss me, Jane,” Gansey said, but his arms were around her again, hard this time, and he was all she could breathe, wheatgrass and mint and somehow his hand had stolen into her dress -- another shredded thing that she was regretting wearing now because it gave such easy access to her body -- and was pressed desperately against her skin and he was murmuring to her. “Just don’t kill me -- and leaving me would kill me,” he was saying. “I need you,” he was whispering. And it was so hard to tell him to stop now because this, again, was her favourite Gansey. There was nothing fake or polished here now, this was a real, human Gansey, vulnerable and messy and full of need and her hands were suddenly in his hair as he was pressing his face against her stomach.

“No kissing!” She said, feeling his lips on her skin.

“Then I don’t kiss you,” he said, and suddenly it was his teeth she could feel, nipping at her, and then his tongue, sweeping up her rip cage as he pushed her dress out of the way. And she couldn’t think, she couldn’t imagine anything but his tongue on her and, her previous words gone like so much air, she was pulling him into the back seat, tugging off the tight t-shirt she had been so happy to see him wearing not half an hour before.

This was so forbidden.

This was so dangerous.

Unfortunately these things did not make what was happening any less thrilling.

After being so untouched, Blue felt like she was on fire, and Gansey tugging off her clothes felt like the only wonderful thing that had happened to her in the longest time. His skin was a vision; the weight of him on top of her was a revelation; his hands and then his mouth on her breasts -- swiping, nibbling, never kissing -- were an epiphany.

The sounds she was making didn’t seem like they came from her at all, but from some other girl who this was really happening to. _This isn’t real_ , she thought, as she helped Gansey pull her underwear off, as she felt Gansey’s fingers and his tongue and suddenly her mouth was just burning with kisses it couldn’t give and her hands clutched at the vinyl seats of the car, feeling greedy and empty because she could hardly reach any of him and suddenly nothing was enough. Nothing could ever be enough.

“Wait,” she said, and again, it didn’t sound like her voice, that breathless thing she had just heard. “Stop.”

He looked up at her, his breath ragged and his beautiful face so full of need she wanted to kiss it so badly it was a physical pain inside her.

“This isn’t us. I don’t want to be some girl you -- you _fingerbanged_ in the backseat of an orange car you named after a farm animal.”

Indignation burst across his face but she pulled him back up towards her and said, “You are not that guy. And I am not that girl.”

He touched her face, mollified but still confused, until she breathed “make love to me,” into his ear. His breath hitched and she went on, her eyes closed, mirroring his action before. “Just once. Just this once we can have this. We get out of this car and lie down together in these mountains and make love and don’t kiss and then we never speak of it again. Really never, this time.” She opened her eyes. “If we’re going to break our hearts we can do this properly.”

Gansey opened and closed his pretty mouth a few times. Eventually his mouth made a wry sort of shape. “Jane. I love this plan. I do. But my brain has pointed out that unless you brought protection, an unplanned pregnancy might ruin the whole last-night-on-earth, never-speak-of-it-again feel of this whole situation.”

She looked at him. “You don’t carry…”

“No, I don’t. Who on _earth_ would I be carrying them for? Do you honestly think I had any idea that tonight was going to end up this way --” But then his face remade itself and he raised a finger in that way that made him look like a university professor, even half naked in the backseat of a car. He leaned forward and pulled something out of the glove box. It took Blue a second to recognise it as a wallet.

“Declan’s,” Gansey said, waving it at her briefly before opening it. “Ronan picked it out of his pocket the other night to piss him off. He left it in the car -- ha!”

And there it was, in his fingers. Their get-out-of-jail-free card.

“Malory was right. The world does turn its pockets out for you,” Blue said, pulling him out of the car with her. She was vaguely aware that she was completely naked, in the middle of the mountains, and wondered if she should feel more exposed, but she was angry and raw and throbbing tonight and desperately wanted to do this reckless, unhealthy thing and thought that the devil could care, since she most certainly did not.

Gansey grabbed a blanket from the trunk of the car and laid it down for them.

It didn’t seem like the actions of a boy with nothing to lose and no cares.

He didn’t feel like he was doomed to die as he slid into her.

It didn’t hurt. Blue spent a few indignant moments wondering if this was another lie told to girls to scare them off having sex, before the sensation was too much and she couldn’t think about anything any more.

She had imagined making love involved more kissing, usually, which is why she hadn’t imagined it very often. But she couldn’t have imagined this feeling, this fullness, this way that she seemed more than herself and the way that they clung to each other and the way that she had to cry out because she couldn’t keep this feeling inside her body.

His final thrust -- that did hurt. It was out of control and real and she relished the feeling, even the pain of it, because it was like proof that he was there with her, not dead or gone or sitting in the driver’s seat of a car full of people who weren’t supposed to see his hand reaching for her.

But she hadn’t thought about how this was going to be like pulling an infected tooth: a desperate action to remove the pain...but one that was going to leave a hole. The concept came to her, half-formed, and she didn’t notice when the glow started.

 _Regina Corvus,_ the voices cried, triumphant, as the glow brightened and then faded around them, leaving them in darkness again.

“Huh,” Blue said.


End file.
